Writing about a loss seems futile.
Thinking about what I lost seems futile.
But thinking about what I want never is.
I don’t wish I would start again,
because that’s exactly what I’m doing.
What’s with this hollowness. What’s with this lack of desire to be whole again. Selfishness is all that remains intact. Coming up with words to describe what I’m feeling is the greatest task, the greatest challenge. I don’t know what to do anymore. I fail at everything that I try. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, maybe I’m trying too much. A walking empty shell is that can be said about me. I have no emotions and feel nothing more than misery. I refuse to call a friend and talk about what I’m going through. I don’t want to throw my baggage on them, it’s a lot to carry. I’ve been drinking myself to sleep, because I don’t want to lay in despair, as I wait for a sleepy feeling. I have no desire for the day to end, or to start. There is no difference between today and tomorrow, between now and forever. Life can be amazing, but life can be a rot, an endless cloud of shame and guilt. I’m sorry for every time I fucked someone over, this is what I deserve.
It seems like every day is changing,
into things that make no sense.
Shame and guilt keep sinking.
As my body fades.
Decomposed matter is the only thing I could hope to be.
To get eaten away by rats and worms, my true only friends.
If I were you I would hate me too, you see.
I just want to cease to exist.
Dirt is a fair price,
feces my dearest friend.
Nothing more can I long for.
Nothing more I deserve.
Inside I hold the madness.
Inside I live alone.
Stay away, I am worthless.
Don’t let this dirt stain your clothes.
Every day I search for the formula
that would make my nonexistence clear.
Of being filth I’m not worthy.
I deserve to disappear
Why do you say I'm a leech
For taking back the money that I give
I'm not content
Because I don't have the freedom that I need
Brother, these words are scars
Just so you can see
That I don't have to be you
And you don't have to be me
Who would defend you
Other than yourself and your brothers
Who would defend me
Other than you and your demons
Who would would defend us
Other than love and your neighbors
I am one
And you are one
You and I
What do we make together other than two
In a capitalist state
The poor lives
And the rich dies
I wonder where you are
because I know where we’ve been
You left with a smile on your eyes
As you forgot to return my soul
One of your hairs fell at my feet
Right next to my heart
And I picked up your hair,
It was the only thing worth saving