When everything isn’t enough.
And the pain breaks you inside.
Though I feel I can’t go on,
I still cannot not even try.

It doesn’t matter that I can’t feel,
cause this torment won’t let go.
As everyone ignores my soul,
and heaven is flipped upside down.

What is this in my head,
wish I at least knew its name.
cause it knows me well,
knows me well too much.

I forgot who I used to be.
I don’t think I am anymore.
I can’t understand how I can breath.
Or am I breathing at all.


Blog: Moving From Texas to California [Homeless]

SanDiego_Skyline_JohnBahu_1280x642_downsized   It takes a sip of alcohol for some people to say they are ‘drunk‘. I can drink a whole six-pack of strong beer in one sit and still not even close to being drunk. It’s the same with medication, example for sleep , I need the highest dose possible for it to have an effect on me. And in this case, I will talk about moving away from home to a city I’ve never been to, and don’t know anyone in it. So yes, I will be homeless, and the moving will take place the day after tomorrow. It’s just so exciting, it will be pure adventure. I can tell you right now that there will be hardships, but the adventure will not leave any time soon.

I will be moving to California from Texas, which is an awesome place by the way. I have lived here for 3 years now and the adventure side of it has kind of slipped off by now. I need a new environment, new people, new air, new everything. It just doesn’t matter much to me where to travel to as long as it’s somewhere else and far. I’ve been feeling butterflies in my belly since I made this decision.

The reason why I’m writing this, is because I wanna keep a journal of what I deal with on a regular basis as a homeless who doesn’t know anyone in a one thousand mile radius. I have my cameras ready, I have my clothes ready, I have my luggage ready. I know exactly where I’m gonna go as soon as I get there. By the way, did I mention recreational marijuana is legal in California now? KUDOS. I’m so getting wasted when I get there. Just to celebrate me moving, and also just to smoke a joint with zero paranoia of getting caught and being thrown in jail for it, it’ll be sweet!

I need more than just a roller-coaster to feel the adrenaline, as I need more than a beer to get drunk. I need some big, big as moving somewhere you never been to and don’t know anyone there either! People who know me are being very supportive and they all compliment me on how brave I am. But that’s cause they think I’m using strength to do this, but I’m not. Doing this puts a smile on my face, and a huge one. I’ll be using passion, instead of strength to do this. And I’d have to be paid not to do it.

My only concern is my mother, she becomes very concerned when I do this. But I can’t just stop following my passions and dreams just cause my family don’t understand the way I think, and the way I am. They think I’m just crazy and make crazy decisions all the time, and that I don’t know what I’m doing. And it may all be true, but I don’t feel it’s true. I know I can take care of myself and that I can face anything. I do what I feel fills me up and makes me feel real and very alive.

Look at this video, this is where I’ll be moving to in two days. 🙂


Poem: Sweet Blue, You’re Over

A man is alive when he is in a hole.
A man is alive when he can get so much more.
A man is alive when he can have none and yet it all.
Happy when he can take home all, all and all, and more.

And she won’t stop staring, she won’t stop taring.
She likes him right there, so she can get that thing.
Yeah, he got the stuff, it is his’, he scored.
In, in and out.

But he says quit it, stay easy, and right there.
It will be over soon, it’ll be done and over sweet blue.
You want out, and you were just out.
You want over, but you were just over.

Sweet blue you’re trouble,
and I just can’t accept it, just out!
Sweet blue, that’s it, you’re over…
My sweet little blue, you’re over, but over and over.


Poem: Eleos Turned

Eleos Turned

You will lose everything you ever loved
and it will bring you fulfillment.
You will ignore your children from afar
to bring you closer in yourself and in your heart.
You will feel the strand of love strengthen
like the tensing of piano wires. You will breathe, yes,
you will breathe with the wind of ignorance
to the fact that nothing will stop the rising and falling of her chest.
Stale wonders will lose you, blending in.
n a crowd like an abuser fingering in a whorehouse,
and you will be the devil
who remembers all the wrong trails
of blood lust, and so you shall die
a short life in painless confusion.
You will grow young awkwardly, expand
rather than wrinkle, your skin will ache
and health will freeze in your lungs
cooled by every sleeping breath
and each worm will become a fruit
for which there is no seed or truth
and I will make it my quest to forgive you
to forget every wicked act, every rotten
word, and when I think of you.
I will imagine a desert sun, you standing
on a lectern in the center, and when I run the sand through my fingers,
I will listen as the grinding of grains erode you away.


Written and submitted by: Christopher

Short Stories

Short Story: “The Lady of The Evening”

“The Lady of The Evening”

I had just hung up the telephone after about three minutes of talking to a man named Danny, who had a little business that operated on the fringes of society. He bought and sold many things, some more important than others, but things like drugs and alcohol and of course women. I was more then a little nervous as I paced the hard wooden floor of my apartment, after all I had never done anything like this before. And just as I was about to have a third glass of wine, I heard a gentle knock at my door. I let her knock two or three times to make it seem more causal; like I wasn’t to desperate or anything like that. So very slowly, and of course casually, I opened the old and creaky apartment door.

To my amazement, I saw a very young and pretty girl who was probably no more then seventeen. She was wearing a long yellow rain coat for it was raining like a banshee outside. And I do not know why, but for some strange reason I was expecting her to be wearing a short fur coat, or at the very least a bright red over coat; because that was what they had always shown in the movies. I then asked her to come in after about a minute or two of blank staring of course. I asked her to come in and sit down as I helped her take off her pale yellow rain coat. I then received my second shock of the night, she was wearing an extremely plain pink dress, not a red dress or a black dress, but a plain and simple pink cotton dress with long sleeves and everything. And she just sat there in that simple pink dress with her young face looking completely fresh and innocent. She was not even wearing any makeup, just a small amount of blue eye shadow. The kind that young girls wear when they want to look older than they really are.

At first I wanted to ask her how the hell she had gotten herself into such a sad line of business; but she already looked so scared and nervous. So I offered her a drink instead, but she said that she does not drink alcohol. This girl did not even drink! She almost seemed too good to be true. I wanted to end the whole night then and there, and send her home to her mother, but I knew that the truth of it was that once she left me tonight, she would be going home to Danny her business manager –so to speak. After then, we were both seated, she on the corner of my bed and I on a torn blue chair across the room. We just sat and talked the whole night through, yet the original plan for the evening was not even mentioned once. I liked voice a lot, her face, the things that she had told me in pinky-sworn secrecy. And in return, I made her laugh and smile for the first time in a long time, and the gradually scared and nervous look had left her sweet and gentle face completely.

And as the sun came up, she told me that it was time for her to go. She would not accept payment for the night, since there was nothing but innocence between us. But she finally came around to accepting at least cab fair. And as we said our goodbyes, we both knew that no one would believe the truth about what had really happened that night. But just by being together, for even just that one night, made the next days rumors and uneasy stares well worth the trouble because we both knew what we had truly shared, and what I had really gained from my lady of the evening.

Written and submitted by: Twilight Garden 93


Poem: “Catching Shadows”

“Catching Shadows”

Shadows rise and shadows fall shadows are everywhere and I see them all.
Shadows are watching me and inside the fear shadows are screaming they’re all that I hear.
Shadows are following me stealing my breath shadows are simple though so hard to catch.
Shadows are everywhere for this is my death.


Written and Submitted by: Twilight Garden 93