Will, and I. – A cerebral dialogue.
Me: How can you not care about other people?
Will: I just don’t.
Me: How would you feel if someone did the same to you?
Will: I don’t care.
Me: So are you a pedophile?
Will: Yes , and what’s wrong with that?
Me: Do you remember when you were abused, how did you feel?
Will: It sucked.
Me: Why would you want to do the same to other people then?
Will: I don’t know, I like it.
Me: How do you feel when you do it? Why do you like it?
Will: It makes me feel strong and in control.
Me: Was that your perception of the person who abused you? And that you felt you couldn’t do anything about it?
Will: That’s interesting, I didn’t think about it like that.
Me: Don’t you want to understand yourself better? Maybe by understanding the situation you can make this problem better.
Will: I don’t care about making the situation better, I like the situation.
Me: That is very difficult to understand. Don’t you see it’s harmful?
Will: That sounds ridiculous, harmful? I like being harmful, because people suck. Kids deserve to suffer.
Me: Why do they deserve to suffer?
Will: Because they’re kids and kids deserve to suffer.
*I think to myself that these are very bad people and that I should tell the police. But I don’t have any information on this guy, I don’t even know his age. He looks 30-something, but I’m sure there are a lot of Wills or Williams who are 30-something. Besides I’ve never seen him doing anything to any kid. Maybe it’s just all in my head, and he’s lying about being a pedophile. Why? I don’t know.*
Me: That doesn’t make sense. To say kids deserve to suffer because kids deserve to suffer is illogical. You’re using a logical fallacy called “circular reasoning.” There must be something that you hate about kids. Is it possible that you just couldn’t find a reason why your were abused as a kid and since you couldn’t find a reason you concluded that “you just deserved it.” And now when you see a kid, you see yourself. And therefore you think the kid deserves to suffer.
Will: That is interesting, how do you do that?
Me: Do what?
Will: Think like that.
Me: I don’t know, It’s just common sense, I guess.
*Will looks to the side as he always does when the conversation gets interesting and can’t think of what to say, or doesn’t want to say what he’s thinking.*
Me: Do you want to stop doing what you’re doing?
Me: Why not?
Will: Because I like it.
Me: How can you like harming other people?
Will: Because they deserve it.
Me: So were you the guy that put the pill in the glass of water when I was drugged back in Texas?
*Will seems like he’s not sure how to answer the question*
Will: No, it wasn’t me.
*I’m not sure it was him, but I keep the topic going to see if I can find out if it was him or not.*
Me: The people that were there described you as a person who looks like a wolf because of how blue your eyes are; and, that the other person was very tall. You have very blue eyes and do look like a wolf… Will: They said I looked like a wolf? Why?
Me: So you were that person then.
*Will looks nervous*
Will: No. I was just curious.
Me: They also described the other person who was with you as being very tall. Your friend over here is very tall. How tall are you Alex?
Alex: I’m 6’7″.
*I think about it, and it all makes sense. That’s why they’re doing this right now. They want to gaslight me so that I doubt whether what I saw was true or not. But I’m still not sure… Maybe when Will said “They said I looked like a wolf? Why?” it was just to confuse me, I honestly don’t remember how the guy who put the pill in the cup looked like.*
Me: So why are you doing this Will?
Will: I don’t know.
*Will looks to the side again, probably thinking and hoping I’m not sure it was him who put the pill.*
Me: Alex, so were you there too?
Alex: No I wasn’t. It wasn’t me.
*Alex chuckles. Probably happy that I’m confused and that I’m not sure about what I’m thinking.*
Me: So what was that you put in the cup? Will: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Me: You do know what I’m talking about.
Will: I don’t.
*Will looks to the side and there is a silence. I then tell Ben.*
Me: I’m sorry that they did this to you.
Ben: Did what?
Me: Drove you crazy.
*This now the me as I write this in the present thinking I can talk to Ben in the past, even though it doesn’t make any sense and it’s not possible… I think. — Scratch that, it is impossible and I’m sure. But I proceed to talk to Ben in the past anyway, it’s fun, even if it’s not true that I actually can do it.*
Me: There is medication for it, Ben. It really helps, I suspect you’re going through the same mental problems I’m going through right now in the present.
Ben: Yeah, you’re in the future and I’m in the present, isn’t that pretty cool?
Me: No, you got it backwards, you are in the past and I am in the future. But it makes sense you say that because it’s your perspective.
*I think to myself in the present and say in my head “this is impossible. It would be amazing if it were possible, but it can’t be true.”*
Ben: Maybe it is.
*Ben immediately chuckles because he remembers how I always said that supernatural occurrences are very unlikely since there is no evidence of it.*
*Ben chuckles again, he likes the fact that I constantly repeated that supernatural things are not real, and yet I am talking to him when he is in the past while I’m in the present. Ben chuckles again. As I stare at him in my head, he chuckles continuously. Then Alex laughs, he laughs at everything.*
Alex: This is pretty cool.
*Alex keeps laughing.*
Me: Why are you laughing?
Alex: I don’t know, I just laugh.
*Alex laughs again cause he doesn’t understand why he’s laughing, and that makes him laugh more.*
Alex: What’s wrong with laughing? I like it. I like to laugh.
*Alex does a little chuckle and stares at me*
Me: Why are you looking at me?
Alex: You’re weird. Me: No, you are all weird. What was that thing you said that you like to get raped?
Alex: Yes, I like to get raped.
Me: That doesn’t make any sense. You can’t want something you don’t want. Isn’t that what rape is? When someone does something to you against your will? How can it be your will that you want someone to do something to you against your will? That’s crazy, and you are crazy.
*I think to myself that this is unbelievable, but it’s entirely possible, being abused as a kid can really mess you up psychologically.*
Me: So how do you feel about the fact that you don’t make any sense? Alex: It makes sense to me.
Me: Yeah and it makes sense to an schizophrenic that shadows can talk back to them. So the fact that it makes sense to you doesn’t mean much.
Alex: I’m crazy, that’s it, I’m crazy.
Me: You are crazy.
*I feel happy that I’m doing exactly what they did to me at the time, even thought I didn’t know I was doing it. It is wrong to do this, but it’s more wrong that they would just get away with it, that they just came out of nowhere and drove me crazy. I got to the point where I thought the FBI wanted to frame me with something and put me in the electric chair. I’m glad this people got what they deserve, eye for an eye I suppose.*
*Will looks at me and asks.*
Will: So what’s up?
Me: Not much, just here, hating your guts.
*Will chuckles because of how honestly I said that, and no one maybe said that to his face.*
Ben: That’s cool that you did that to him too. This bitch sucks.
*Ben says to Will*
Ben: I hate you, I fucking hate you.
Will: Ben, so why are you here?
Ben: I don’t know. I have nothing else to do. Plus you got me into smoking crack, and crack is all I think about now.
Me: Have you tried quitting?
*Ben looks at me with a sarcastic face, and says very sarcastically*
Ben: No, I didn’t think about that.
*I realize it was stupid of me to say that. He must have thought about it.*
Me: Do you want live the rest of your life feeling like that? If not, then you must do something about it. You will need to be strong, from what I see crack is highly addictive. But it’s not impossible to quit, other people have quit it.
Ben: Yeah, I just can’t.
Me: It’s not easy, but you can. Why did you smoke it in the first place? Ben: I don’t know, I wanted to know how it felt. It was stupid.
Me: Well, the addiction is just not gonna go away on its own. The only way to quit is by stopping. Find something you love to do and do it all day, or for as much as you can.
Ben: I really don’t care about anything other than crack.
Me: It breaks my heart men. You’re a good guy… You just messed with the wrong thing. And Will, you messed with the wrong person.
To be continued.